Thursday, 2 October 2014


Hay, I don’t know, I feel this is still not real. It looks as though we were together just now. His voice is still clearly heard, I still see his face around. I don’t understand when it will have been stoped haunting me. You might think that it’s not my time any more to feel grief, but it is real, no pretending  at all. Sometimes when remember everything about him could make me to not breathe for a second. The photos, memories just help me go through the situation when I miss him a lot. It’s hard and hurt, Maybe this is the hardest time for me in entire of my life thus I am still tramping everyday and This is the first time I lost someone . I used to be with him through the days alongside him. I used to have lunch, dinner, no breakfast (haha because we didn’t) together everyday sometimes with other friends and it made such wonderful memories for me. I long for him, so much! For me he was an angel. God sent him for me to just make me being so blessed, I am so thankful for that.

Now I know what the true love is. Love is no labels and he was lovable where I only knew that love was only a relation between man and woman, boy and girl. Apparently he taught me that there is a true love between men and boys, it is a love in brotherhood or sisterhood. It means a lot, its love is wonderful to have it.
I will never stop be proud if talking about him, exultant feeling to tell anyone that I was so close with him as his "young brother". I was his little brother. I had him. He made me be stronger than I was. He trusted my capabilities, he did even more than me where actually the person that had to do it was me. He told everyone that how proud he was about me. He told everyone that I was smart, confident person. Thank you very much is not enough, He gave me that words in his last night on earth and now I give him back those words “I thank you very much and it is not enough” .

To be with him is missed, to get his scolding is needed. I want to be the next with him like we used to. I would rather sleep longer if he comes in my dream and maybe I wouldn’t wake up. I really want to be with him again.

People out there maybe wonder why this boy is too over for his grief, who you are?. You don’t know what had happened between us, you maybe don’t know who I am, who he is. So just keep in your mind about your curious because actually I couldn’t describe in words about why I am being like this about his death.

I am so sorry that in the last time of his life I had yet said that how much I love him and thank to him for being what I wanted. But I know he knew it, thus I didn’t need to tell him how much meaningful he was. Maybe it’s right that I had not better being sad and bawling anymore by now. Besides he might sad as well in the sky to see me still crying about him because he doesn’t want person crying about his leaving. I met once in my life with person like him and it was amazing. I used to be doubt whether he loved me or not like me but now I can not be disbelieving it.

He loved his little brother, me.

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